Hastings Sends Email from Beyond the Grave, Urges Family to Drop Investigation

LOS ANGELES — The family of recently deceased journalist Michael Hastings has finally received some good news – an email Hastings managed to send from the Great Beyond. The email reportedly urges his wife and family not to worry about him, nor press for an investigation into his death, as “there is nothing suspicious about it at all,” and “no other party or government agency was involved in anyway.”

Hastings — a vocal critic of government surveillance famous for a hit piece that claimed the career of four-star general Stanley McChrystal — died in the early morning of June 18th, after his Mercedes swerved off an empty road, hit a tree, and exploded. Shortly prior to the accident he sent a colleague at Buzzfeed an email expressing concerns about the “heat” he was attracting from “the feds” due to a big story he was working on. Hastings’ body was finally returned to his family last week, in an urn – after a surprise cremation.

In his afterlife email, Hastings went on to write that it was always his wish to be cremated, and he’s thankful the authorities were thoughtful enough to take care of all the arrangements without troubling his family.

Hastings’s friend and family spokesman, Sgt. Joe Biggs, was initially dubious about the authenticity of the newest email; but his doubts were allayed after he saw that it was indeed sent from Hastings’s email account:

“It’s his email address alright, so he must’ve sent it from Heaven somehow. Who else could possibly have access to other people’s electronic communications?”

The suggestion that Hastings’s email account may have been infiltrated is almost as wild as some of the other conspiracy theories this case has inspired. Richard Clarke, who worked under the Bush administration as a counter-terrorism expert, believes that Hastings’s entire Mercedes may have been hacked, as all available evidence point towards a “car cyberattack.”

“Hacked his car?” mused Biggs. “I don’t know, sounds like some high-level spy stuff to me. I mean you’d have to be pretty up there in the game to orchestrate something like this… Who in that position could possibly have something against Michael? He was just a journalist – did you read his Gen. McChrystal piece? He was a damn good journalist.”

Michael Morell, Deputy Director of the CIA, scoffed at the insinuation of agency involvement.

“A messy public accident that’s a fly strip for media attention?  Who do you think we are, The Russians?” Morell said. “This would hurt us as much as it hurt him. Well, almost. You want someone who was out for both Hastings and the CIA. A disgruntled former employee, perhaps.”