Hawaii Assigns Electronic Collars to Geriatrics as Part of New Invisible Fencing

HONOLULU – Concerned with a recent surge in aimless and oftentimes dangerous wandering of geriatrics in the Aloha State, Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie, D-Hawaii, signed into law the Electronic Fence mandate, which will facilitate the construction of various invisible fences around demarcated “danger zones,” all equipped to shock old-timers back to the 1970’s should they stray too far.

Governor Abercrombie went on to specify some of the concerns that led to the law, which include instances of older residents and tourists blithely walking toward luaus, seedy parking garages, and even active volcanoes.

“Once they cross into septuagenarian land, all bets are off,” said Abercrombie. “Just last week a group of restless seventy-year-old tourists from Milwaukee visited Maui. Not two days into their stay, they were all taken to the E.R. after trying to get a little too low at a limbo luau. You could hear their backs crack from Honolulu.”

“Sadly, visitors are the least of our concerns,” continued Abercrombie, referencing recent findings showing that Hawaii’s senior citizen population has grown by 116 percent over the last two decades, more than twice the national rate of 47 percent. “I don’t know when Hawaii turned into Vero Beach, but that’s beside the point. We need to nip this problem in the bud before Granny Ruth channels her adventurous side again and finds herself in the middle of a Kauai rain forest.”

Kevin Sniden, a 72-year-old retired construction worker who lives in Honolulu, was at first skeptical of the mandate, but after experiencing a shock when he and his wife approached an ocean-side Happy Hour, he changed his tune.

“Metamucil was enough of a jolt for one day,” said the retiree.

“Sure, we can’t just up and wander to new and exciting locations after we’ve grown bored with our ‘Matlock’ reruns,” said Sniden as he adjusted a plastic collar that hung around his neck. “But we understand that it’s for our long-term safety.”

Senior citizen safety, it appears, has become something of a trend for the Hawaiian government. In addition to the invisible fence mandate, the state also implemented a role for a fall-prevention coordinator, who will speak to older citizens about staying on top of medications and carrying electronic monitoring devices in order to avoid hospital visits.

Governor Abercrombie’s next goal, if all goes well with the fall-prevention measures and invisible fences, is to implement statewide handrails at all buffet locations.