HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred up in that bitch,” he rants, referring to British-ruled India in the 1930’s.
The self-published vanity novelty entitled “How to Have Sex with a Raw Steak” depicts a much different scenario than history tells.
Having already lost one war on taxes, the British had decided to double down and inflate the price of salt in India to unaffordable levels. The problem was that taxing salt in India is like trying to tax oxygen. Unlike stamps or tea, salt is vital to living in India where the average human body will sweat out half an organ per day.
“Not-so-Great Britain was basically giving us the choice between bloody revolution and dying in the streets like shriveled up human slugs,” Gandhi contemplated during the book’s more lucid moments. “We turned to the actually-is-great United States for inspiration.”
Unfortunately, Gandhi took inspiration from 1930’s America, deep in the throes of the Great Depression. Gandhi mistook millions of Americans losing their jobs and dying of hunger as a powerful new military strategy, which he then adapted for use against the British.
“Weaponized poverty and suffering. People said I was crazy. And I said, ‘Crazy?’ You want to see crazy? So I did a couple of lines and just started walking because a five time WWE World Champion shouldn’t have to put up with that.”
Fueled by an aggressive campaign of homemade meth and starvation, Gandhi marched through 48 villages in 24 days. During his brief stay at these villages, Gandhi would often give unprompted impromptu speeches. Witnesses at the time remember hearing one word over and over again. They thought it was ‘satyagraha,’ the Indian word for Civil Disobedience. Instead, it was merely Gandhi’s mispronunciation of the word ‘cheeseburger.’
“I kept saying, ‘We need cheeseburgers.’ Cheeseburgers, dammit! They all cheered. But where were the cheeseburgers?” Gandhi redoubled his efforts to convince Indians to learn basic English, an effort that continues to this day.
Ultimately, Gandhi’s hallucinations convinced him break the Salt Tax and he was quickly arrested. With their leader out of the picture, the people of India rose up in a bloody revolution the likes of which this Earth has not seen, nor hopefully will ever see again. As for Gandhi, he was finally served his cherished cheeseburger as his last meal before he was killed. His famous last words, “Needed salt,” will surely echo through history – unlike his book, which the New York Times describes as “lacking stupidity” and “almost surely entirely made up.”