HEAVEN – The Holy Spirit today took the rare step of making a forthright public statement not encoded in dreams or mystical acts, telling reporters that Bill O’Reilly’s claim that the idea for his best-selling book Killing Jesus was divinely inspired is simply not true.
After the success of his historical narratives Killing Kennedy: The End of Camelot and Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination That Changed America Forever – which sold 5 million copies – O’Reilly claimed the idea for Killing Jesus came to him in the middle of the night via the ephemeral part of the Holy Trinity.
“I believe because I’m a Catholic that comes from the Holy Spirit,” O’Reilly explained in an interview on Sunday’s airing of 60 Minutes. “My inspiration comes from that. And so I wrote Killing Jesus because I think I was directed to write that.”
However, the Holy Ghost firmly rejects this version of events. “First off, we’re being a bit presumptuous, aren’t we, Bill? Believe it or not, I have better things to do than pad the bank account of a multimillionaire via his cottage industry. Also, for what it’s worth, I did speak to you in a dream after I read those first two pieces of crap. What I said was ‘Cool it with the Killing books. Jesus.’ You completely missed my point.”
The Holy Spirit also seemed to take the controversial Fox News host’s foray into the theological realm rather personally. “He’s free to do what he wants, We made him that way. But leave my family out of it. Actually, he sort of writing about me, since the Father, the Son and I are all Three Entities of the same God. It’s pretty complicated.”
In the end, the Spirit assured O’Reilly – and all of humanity – that if one is to be inspired by God there will be no mistaking it. “Look, you’ll know. I’m talking tongues of fire and all that. There will be no question that the Supreme Being is using you as It’s earthly vessel.”
“Though if I were you, Bill, I wouldn’t hold my breath” it added.