Homophobic Male Learns his ‘Wife’ is a Man

BISMARCK, N.D. – After learning that his wife—whom he believed to be a woman throughout his nine-year marriage—was in fact a man, an anonymous North Dakota gentleman took the “longest shower of [his] life” before placing a phone call to a state administrator in order to inquire about a man’s right to marry a woman despite being in a gay marriage.

“I dreamed of something different for my life,” said the man. “I needed a way out.”

The man’s inquiry made its way to North Dakota Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem, who rendered an opinion stating that in North Dakota, men or women in same-sex marriages are permitted to concurrently marry a member of the opposite sex. Stenehjem’s findings were based on North Dakota state law and constitutional amendment, which refuse to recognize the legality of gay marriage in the first place, even if the marriage took place in a state where it is legal.

“It was music to my ears,” continued the man, “to know I didn’t have to go through all that divorce-proceeding BS. North Dakota makes it easy as heck for a guy to cut ties with his pseudo-homosexuality, no questions asked.”

“Still, as grateful as I am for North Dakota’s homophobic mantra,” he continued, “I still have to live with the scars of realizing that my wife—I’m sorry, my husband—was packing a howitzer down there all those years. It’s like The Crying Game, only in North Dakota.”

The man made a vow that he will perform an “equipment check” before each date with a woman when determining if they are “wife material.”

“Or, at the very least, some sort of due diligence,” he continued. “The warning signs were certainly there with Brenda—the short hair, the strong handshake, her insistence to pleasure me constantly and not the other way around—I just had my head buried in the sand the whole time. But not anymore.”

He went on to say that if he does indeed marry a woman “by mistake” again, he’ll be sure it’s in North Dakota, where the legal system goes easy on men who have trouble deciphering gender.

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