ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous, hyperbolic provocations might get them a little attention. “We’re gonna get you, America,” a statement released by the group reads in part. “Your cities will become smoldering piles of ash and whatnot.”
“America sucks,” the statement continues. “You’re all a bunch of fatties who score well below the global average in science and math aptitude. For these and other crimes, we will rain down hell fire upon your amber waves of grain. Also, while we’ve got your attention, we’re kind of being slaughtered over here.”
Sources inside Aleppo confirm that the Syrian citizens probably do not have nuclear capabilities at this time. Nonetheless, according to American intelligence officials, it is the United States’ policy to treat any absurd, moronic threat from a foreign entity as a “clear and present danger, deserving of all our attention.”
“Because we hate you so much, we’re also going to hit you with chemicals weapons, such as gas attacks—SORT OF LIKE WHAT THE SYRIAN ARMY IS DOING TO US RIGHT NOW,” the Syrians warned. “Compared to us, Kim Jong Un is about as dangerous as herpes—annoying and embarrassing, but probably not deadly.”
International monitors estimate that roughly 70,000 Syrians have been killed since the uprising against the government of dictator and budding war criminal Bashir al-Assad began two years ago. Aleppo has been the epicenter of much of the violence, although the city’s plight has been largely overlooked. Sources indicate that Aleppo residents decided to threaten the United States with total destruction when they realized doing so was the only way to get America’s attention.
“We’re totally serious,” a spokesperson for the group told Newslo. “We’re going to wipe America off the face of the Earth. Speaking of wiping, we ran out of toilet paper like fifteen months ago. Any chance you can send us some, so we can stop wiping our asses with the clothes of our dead neighbors?”