NEW YORK — Fox News hosts today openly lamented the network’s hiring of one-term Congressman and tea party favorite Allen West to be an on-air contributor, expressing concerns that it endangered the network’s reputation as a source for “fair and balanced” news and information.
“Quite frankly, I don’t see how this does anything but allow people to question our integrity,” said Fox News host Bill O’Reilly. “He’s not a serious journalist. He’s not even a pundit. He wasn’t even a successful congressman. This is a man who said that liberal women ‘have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness … we are not going to have our men become subservient … then the debt will continue to grow … deficits will continue to grow.’ What the Hell does that even mean?”
Fox News host Sean Hannity agreed, saying, “The guy’s a quack. He once called for censoring American news agencies. Maybe if he’d left it at MSNBC and CNN, he’d have a point, but he lumped us in there as well, and that’s just nuts.”
“Here at Fox News, we have a journalistic standard to uphold,” explained former FOX & Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson. “We have to remain impartial so as to remain relevant and trustworthy. West is a total right-wing nut case. Here’s a man who said, ‘I’m very concerned about this very divisive rhetoric the president is using when he continues to talk about ‘equality’ and ‘fairness,’ and this thing that I think is really contrary to the principles that I mentioned, as far as life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.‘ You just can’t spin that as anything other than bat-shit insane.”
Regardless, Fox News President Roger Ailes defended the move. “Allen West is a voice of the people, insofar as the people are a bunch of raving lunatics lost in conspiracies of their own creation. Since that’s a good share of our demographic, I see this as a no-brainer,” he said.
Former Fox host Glenn Beck was saddened at the news of West’s hiring. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” he crooned. “To hire a man who, while a sitting congressman, claimed to know that 80 members of the Democratic House Caucus were communists without having the stones to name them represents a new low for my old network. How can anyone take him seriously, with all the conspiracies he spews out and the way almost everything he says is a factual lie? I weep for Fox. I truly do. That man is clinically insane.”