RAMALLAH, West Bank – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority today announced the winning entry of the “Rename Palestine” contest which he had been running through Facebook and Twitter. “The people have tweeted their hearts out,” he said, “and the race was up in the air until the very last day, but I am proud to announce that henceforth, we shall be known as The State of Palestine.”
According to sources, the winning entry garnered close to 300 votes, narrowly defeating “The Palestinian State,” “The People’s Front of Palestine,” and “Palistinestan”- each of which received between 250-275 votes. Rounding out the Top Five was “East Death to Isrealia.”
“I am disappointed that we did not win,” said Sharif Hamada, who spearheaded the campaign for East Death to Isrealia. “I had my entire neighborhood behind me, but unfortunately none of them have had internet access since we were bombed in 2009. Or running water, for that matter.”
Though he does not intend to change the designation on Palestinian passports, ID Cards, or his nation’s Wikipedia entry, Abbas has ordered official stationary with the new name and logo, which he will use for inter-office memos. He has also politely asked foreign nations to refer to his quasi self-ruled bastion as The State of Palestine rather than The Palestinian Authority if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.
“We don’t want to be a bother or anything,” he said. “Maybe if you could just try saying it when Isreal or The United States is not in the room.”
In Washington, State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland acknowledged US opposition to the new name. “You can’t create a state by rhetoric and with labels and names,” she said. “You need a massive amount of military firepower followed by an army of private contractors to rebuild the devastated infrastructure.”