House GOP Calls Senate Immigration Bill ‘Cute,’ Schedules New Vote to Repeal Obamacare

WASHINGTON — As House Republicans geared up for a serious, meaningful vote to repeal Obamacare, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Oh.)  was asked to comment on the passage of Senate Bill 744, comprehensive immigration legislation passed by a bipartisan vote of 68-32.

“Really? They did that?” asked Boehner. “Oh my God, that’s so cute.”

Asked if the landmark legislation, which passed with the help of 14 Senate Republican as well as all 52 Democrats and both independents, had a chance to get through Boehner’s GOP-controlled House, Boehner smiled and patted the head of NPR’s Bill Chappell. “That’s such an adorable question, Bill,” he said. “Now excuse me, I need to push for another vote to repeal Obamacare before the rank and file get too antsy.”

Political insiders have long warned that the House will never pass any immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship for the millions of illegal immigrants already here. Since Senate Bill 744 offers a 13-year path to citizenship to as many as 11 million immigrants currently in the country illegally, that could doom its prospects in the House.

“I don’t know how many times we have to explain this to them,” said Representative Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.). “We’re not going to turn 11 million illegals into American voters. Christ, do you expect us to just hand the White House to the Democrats every four years?” Goodlatte then allowed that if someone could find a source of illegals who would reliably vote Republican, he might “give a rat’s ass about immigration.”

“Look, I think what the Senate is doing is just great. I’m really proud of them,” said Deputy House Majority Whip Peter Roskam (R-Il.). “They’ve been so dysfunctional for so long, it’s really sweet to see them actually pass something, no matter how pointless it is.” He then excused himself to ensure he did not miss the day’s symbolic vote to repeal Obamacare.

Republican Senators Marco Rubio of Florida and John McCain of Arizona have recently taken to standing in the halls of Congress, asking passing House Republicans to just give them five minutes of their time to hear about the need for immigration reform, but have received mostly blank stares and cold shoulders.

“Come on people!” screamed Rubio, who is of Cuban descent. “We have to prove that we like minorities! We can’t just be the party of old white people!”

Senator McCain, himself an old white person, grunted but otherwise remained silent.