WASHINGTON – Sources around the country confirm that, well whaddaya know, since the beginning of the month, food in America is significantly more delicious.
So how about that, experts say. Everything from imported cheese to local vegetables is, I mean, just plain tastier, no two ways about it. The uptick in deliciousness reportedly extends from McDonalds’ cheeseburgers to the finest foie gras, provided some portion of the food was made or prepared after the first of the month.
Marion Fitch, a professor of food trends at the Culinary Institute of America, said, lookee here, such an across-the-board “flavor apotheosis” is unprecedented. It’s possible that some kind of autumn infusion is responsible, she recently told The Newslo, but it’s “if anything more likely” that the development has to do with the fact that federal food inspectors have been furloughed.
“I don’t know what to tell ya,” Fitch said, “but either everything under the sun suddenly tastes better on its own, or else the U.S. government shutdown that started Oct. 1 involved massive work stoppages at the Food and Drug Administration and that has released a dam-break of culinary glory. Potato, potahto, tomato, to-oh-my-fucking-God-what-a-delicious-tomato.
“I probably shouldn’t be eating these,” Fitch added while scarfing down offseason Florida strawberries from a visibly damaged package, “but just try and stop me.”
The FDA has furloughed most of its 1,602 investigators. Also home from work is most of the staff of the Centers for Disease Control, and that combination, analysts claim, could leave the country particularly vulnerable to outbreaks of food-borne illness.
However, foodies say, no problem so far. Doug Vogel, a self-described “big eater” from Washington, said at first he thought the government shutdown would expose him to lower-quality and higher-risk ingredients. His current reaction is more of the “if this is what rat turds taste like, bring on the rat turds” variety.
“The bakery on my block has always been a little bit sketchy,” Vogel said, “but this month, their stuff has been out of this world, you know what I’m saying? I’m going to get fat there; I can’t imagine where they’re getting their ingredients. I just hope it doesn’t stop.”
In addition to the improved taste of food, Americans this month have been reporting greater efficacy in their medications, less hassling from the IRS and “more natural-looking” national parks.
