Illinois Bans Flash Mobs, Deny They Fucking Hate ‘Improv Everywhere’

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn has signed legislation to increase the prison term to six years for people who use social media to organize flash mobs, but reassured Illinoisans that it was done to prevent the kind of violence that has recently plagued Chicago, and not just because many in the General Assembly “really fucking despise ‘Improv Everywhere.’”

The governor confirmed that the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Christian Mitchell of Chicago, had initially grown extremely concerned following incidents in March when teenagers ran up and down Michigan Avenue, an affluent shopping district in the city. Other politicians, such as state Sen. Gary Jones of Schaumburg, acknowledged that while he did have “a fundamental lack of understanding as to how social media works, and although we do have laws which already cover this type of action,” it was better to “at least look like we’re doing something, even if that something’s potentially malignant and/or redundant.”

Meanwhile, Rep. George Matthews of Gilman confirmed that part of the reason he voted for the bill was animus towards the well-known comedy flash mob organizers. “Obviously I was worried about those kids,” Mitchell told a reporter. “But if I have to see videos of the annual ‘No Pants Subway Ride’ one more time, I’m going to kill someone. I’m just so over it.”

Mitchell admitted that he had failed in his attempt to become an “Agent” for Improv Everywhere in the early 2000s, but denied that this had influenced his decision on the vote. He explained his behavior thusly: “Obviously, there are huge logistical and legal issues surrounding the legislation, including the possibility that innocent, predominantly African-American teenagers will be arrested solely for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it will be difficult to prove that anyone in the area were there because they had seen a tweet the day before, but if it means that we won’t have middle-class white kids synchronized swimming in Buckingham Fountain, I think we can all agree that it’s worth it.”