In Citi Bikes, New Yorkers Finally Have Another Way to Get Hit by Cars

NEW YORK — New Yorkers are today rejoicing at the installation of Citi Bike docks across Manhattan and Brooklyn, which will allow locals and tourists to rent bicycles and dramatically increase the number of traffic accidents that happen in the city.

“I was worried I’d have to start running into traffic at high speed because simply walking into cars wouldn’t do enough damage, so this came along at just the right time,” said Jacob Steinem, a graduate student at NYU. “I’d heard that the roads could be pretty rough before I moved here, but there were only 6,000 traffic accidents involving bikes in 2010, so I’m glad the city’s really kicking it up a notch.”

Frederick Williams, who was born and raised in the city, has been driving taxis for thirty-seven years. He was also enthusiastic about the new scheme, saying: “The only good cyclist is a dead cyclist, so I want to thank the mayor personally for giving us this opportunity to help get those numbers up”.

Emily Andrews, who’s visiting from London – where a similar bike-sharing system has been implemented- seemed to like the project, although she noted that “the traffic back home isn’t nearly bad as it is here,” calling Citi Bikes “bloody mental”. Ms. Andrews also observed that the bikes don’t come with helmets, and that it was unlikely that  people will carry helmets around with them, so she was looking forward to seeing if America’s health insurance system covered “being an idiot”.

Meanwhile, health and fitness advocate Gary Jones, after years of campaigning for a bike-sharing scheme for New Yorkers, was delighted that Citi Bikes are finally being implemented. “It’s about time that a world-class city had a world-class way for people to get hit, at great speeds, by moving vehicles. With more bikes on the roads, ridden by everyone from experienced cyclists to people who have absolutely no business being anywhere near something as potentially dangerous as a bike on a New York street, I’m hoping that everyone will get a little fitter, even if it’s just from running to avoid an out-of-control bicycle. That $41 million of Citibank’s $306bn bailout money and guarantees will be very well spent.”