In Clerical Oversight, Islam Named Official Religion of North Carolina

RALEIGH, N.C. — In what is being described alternately as an “unimaginable clerical oversight” and “a sign from the Almighty Allah,” the North Carolina House of Representatives voted to make Islam the state’s official religion.

After a bill designed to establish Christianity as the state religion was killed by the state Speaker of the House last week, Wake County representative Chandler Forrest slipped an amendment into HR-512, which approves funds for road maintenance, “as a belated April Fool’s joke.” The amendment, which names Islam the official religion of the state in perpetuity, went unread by the rest of the lawmaking body, found swift passage in both chambers of the state legislature, and was signed into law by Governor Pat Conroy.

While the new law comes as a surprise to all, the reactions have been drastically different. Rep. Michelle Presnell (R), who voted in favor of HR-512 and an earlier bill elevating Christianity to the state’s religion, called the law “a clear violation of the First Amendment and an affront to Americans everywhere.” She also asked for assistance from the ACLU and the federal government to help overturn the statute.

Others seemed more resigned to their fate. “A law is a law” said Rep. Carl Ford, who also voted in favor of what has come to be known as The North Carolina Infrastructure Renewal and Surrender to Allah Act.  “I don’t like it one bit, but now we must all live according to the tenants of the Islamic faith. Praise unto the Prophet!” Ford then strapped on a suicide vest and attempted to enter a local elementary school.  He was stopped at the last minute by Sharif al-Quesem, the imam of the local Raleigh Islamic Center.

“Man, it took a lot of effort to convince this guy that suicide bombings and terrorism in general are not pillars of the Muslim faith. In fact, they are gross perversions of this religion of peace” said al-Quesem as police placed Ford under arrest. “Also, does anybody know where this guy got a suicide vest so quickly? That thing seemed to come out of nowhere.”

Though the law will almost certainly be struck down by the Supreme Court and declared unconstitutional, Chief Justice John Roberts has intimated that the high court may stall on hearing the case, saying “watching what’s going on down there is just so much fun.”

In Paradise, Allah the Supreme Being was also having a good chuckle over the North Carolina predicament, stating that he was even considering calling former Senator Jesse Helms up from Hell in order to see the look on his face.