In Fit of Jealousy, NY Post Hires “Some Asians” to Hack Its Own Site

NEW YORK — In response to the news that Chinese government operatives hacked the New York Times website four separate times over the past month, the New York Post recently hired “some Asians” to hack their own site.

News Corp Chairman and Post Publisher Rupert Murdoch, who purchased the publication in the 70s and quickly established it as the conservative paper with the most misspelled headlines, expressed dismay over China’s attack on the Times, a publication viewed by many right-wingers as a Maoist stalwart itself. Not to be outdone, the Australian Murdoch reached back for, what he calls “the American can-do spirit” and hired some “Orientals” to hack into NewYorkPost.com.

“See! The Commies hate us too!” exclaimed Murdoch, his voice quivering with a mixture of outrage and excitement as he held up a copy of the morning edition with a headline that shrieked, “REDS CHINK POST’S ARMOR” with the word “Post” filled in with stars and stripes. “In fact, they hacked us eight times! Eight! That means we’re twice the enemy of Chinese government as the Times. Suck it, Times!”

Jae-Soo Jun, 23, answered the Post‘s Craigslist ad looking for “individuals of Far Eastern extraction” to hack into pre-selected sections of the tabloid’s website. “They asked me if I was Asian. I was like ‘I’m Korean.’ Then they were like ‘North Korean?’ Seemed pretty bummed to find out I was just some kid from Seoul.”

According to Jun, he and the other hackers thought they were doing a security exercise on a mock site. They were deeply troubled to learn they were actually hacking into one of America’s most popular daily newspapers. “When I broke through the firewall and into the file marked ‘Headlines,’ I was appalled,” said Jun. “My English isn’t great, but this stuff looked like it had been written by first graders. There was “BAM BAN ON GUNS,’ which I guess is about your current gun debate. ‘HIZZONOR SEZ NO TO BEEP,’ which sorta sounds like something to do with local politics. And ‘CHICK SIT ON SPLIT VIT.’ Seriously? Does that make sense to anyone?”

Over at the Times, sources were nonplussed at both the Chinese attack and the Post‘s attempts one-up them. “I know they wish the Chinese spied on them instead of us,” said Times Executive Editor Jill Abramson. “If it makes them feel better, the American government has been spying on all of us for over a decade.”

The self-hacking evokes memories of the 2004 incident when Murdoch had three Post employees kidnapped and held for four months in response to the Taliban abducting a Times reporter and his translator in Pakistan.