In Lieu of Other Pressing Issues, House Republicans to Fight Medical Marijuana

WASHINGTON — Washington, DC’s first medical marijuana dispensary opened its doors this summer roughly a mile and a half from the U.S. Capitol.  Although only nine people in the whole District are authorized to purchase medical marijuana, House Republicans have announced that they plan on targeting the dispensary because they “can’t think of anything better to do.”

“Nothing else of notice seems to be going on, so this is probably the most important issue that we can devote ourselves to right now,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who has previously voted to prohibit medical marijuana in DC.  “I think I speak for my fellow Republicans when I say that there is nothing more pressing than making sure those nine people can’t get legally doped up on our turf.”

Although DC residents passed a ballot measure to legalize marijuana use for medical purposes back in 1998, Congress blocked implementation of the measure until 2009.

“Because we’ll probably end up opposing every other bill that comes through the House, it’s likely to be a slow fall,” said Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah), who tried to block DC’s medical marijuana law in 2010.  “Fighting this will give us something to do in between fundraising for our 2014 campaigns, which is mostly what we do anyway.”

Like many House Republicans, President Obama also has a history of opposing medical marijuana laws.  As of this year, Obama has spent nearly $300 million fighting medical marijuana in the District and the 19 states where it is legal. 

Mr. Obama declined to comment on the new dispensary because “apparently [he] can’t do anything right anymore.”

Employees at Capital City Care, the District’s new medical marijuana dispensary, report that they have received some troubling reactions from members of Congress since opening in late July.

“Yesterday we found a strange, passive-aggressive note taped to our door,” said one Capital City Care employee, who did not wish to give her name.  “It was signed ‘anonymous,’ but we know it was from the House speaker because he wrote it on his stationary.”

Still, not all of the federal response to DC’s first medical marijuana dispensary has been negative.

“The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives sent us a few gift baskets full of…well, you know, their stuff,” said another anonymous Capital City Care employee.  “We sent most of it back, but it’s the thought that counts.”