Indiana Straights-Only Prom Reminds America that Kansas Isn’t the Only Terrible State

SULLIVAN, Ind. — A small, local hate group in Indiana has generated national press this week as students and parents have come together to create a segregation-themed straights-only prom. As intolerance on this scale has been primarily associated with the state of Kansas in recent years, there has been some speculation in the media that this event has been a ploy on the part of the state of Indiana to rebrand their image as “more bigoted” in order to attract ultra-conservative vacationers and re-locaters.

“From the Evolution Hearings in 2005 to the murder of Dr. George Tiller in 2009, Kansas has been the market leader of being super fucked up and ignorant,” branding consultant to the state of Indiana Jill Stanford explained. “We’re trying to generate awareness of Indiana’s awfulness and rebuild our perceived customer characteristics. We’d like to develop some differentiation from Kansas; initially, we were kicking around the motto ‘Indiana Is For Assholes,’ but now, we want to figure out how Indiana is worse. Basically, focus groups have indicated that we needed to launch a campaign of strict ignorance if we are going to compete for this market segment. Since Kansas already has demonstrable claims of being against women’s rights and science in general, we’re trying to lock down the market on homophobia. What better way to get across our new brand essence: ‘Ignorance First, Questions Never’ than to suggest a straights-only prom?”

The group has met at the town’s First Christian Church in order to discuss hosting a “separate but equal” dance for students who do not wish to attend the school’s regular prom due to the fact that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer students will be allowed to attend. In a recent media interview, a leader of the “straights-only prom” commission Diana Medley actually responded to the question, “Do you believe [gay people’ have some sort of purpose in life?” with the answer “I don’t. I personally don’t.]

Considered a coup by branding strategists across the nation, Stanford explains that she is proud of this particular victory. “I’ll admit it, it was hard to come up with a branded identity structure of pure intolerance that would be able to compete with the douchebaggery underway in Kansas. They just really seemed to have hate, fear, and ignorance on lock. But our new anti-gay-teen campaign is a clear celebratory moment! The motto we’re sticking with? ‘Hate is divine if you abandon the straight line.’”