iPhone Sales Soar As Consumers Give Up on Battery Life

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple reported better than expected earnings this week as iPhone sales took off after a significant number of consumers abandoned all hope of ever having decent cell phone battery life.

“I just had an epiphany – why don’t I start not giving a shit about whether my iPhone’s charged?” said Misty Weiss. “Why all the frustration?  I realized I was wasting my life caring about a battery. So I ran straight to the Verizon store and bought a model with an even lower battery life.”

Apple stock has been fairly stagnant this year compared to years past, when the iPhone’s popularity took off.  But shares gained 4% late Tuesday when the company released its third-quarter earnings report, which revealed stronger profits boosted by iPhone sales. Apple shipped 31.2 million iPhones in the third quarter, above the estimates of between 26 million and 27 million. Several analysts are citing consumers’ waning interest in respectable battery life as the main catalyst behind the surprising sales figures.

“Buyers are starting to realize that no matter how much they complain, Apple will never make a phone that can hold a charge long enough for them to change outlets,” says Canaccord Genuity analyst Mike Seiverport. “And they’re at peace with that.”

Sieverport said iPhone sales should pick up pace in the fourth quarter as consumers further lower their standards for battery life. He said many Apple fans waiting for the company’s release of the iPhone 5S this fall are hoping the phone holds absolutely no charge at all.

“Who needs it? My iPhone died on my way to my sister’s wedding. I was using its GPS and I had no directions,” says former iPhone battery hater Jennifer Caldwelle. “I missed the entire ceremony and I don’t even care. … I hope the next iPhone model will just shut down at every possible inconvenient moment.”

Despite the growing number of competing and more affordable smartphones on the market, iPhones are claiming an increasing market share as more consumers wonder what “all the iPhone battery fuss” is about.

“I was enjoying my old clam-shell model’s incredible battery life when I realized my friends were always complaining about their dying iPhones,” said Cathleen Dunne. “I want to relate to my friends’ frustrations and join in their conversations. I guess I really don’t need a functional phone. I gotta get an iPhone.”