Iran Unsure Whether to Blame U.S. or Devil for Earthquake

TEHRAN, Iran — A magnitude-6.1 earthquake has divided Iranian leaders, who cannot decide if the United States caused the disaster with an unknown type ofweapon or if the Devil is attacking the nation for worshipping God too much.

Offering condolences to victims of the tragedy, Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei said in a message, “With sorrow and sadness, I received news of the catastrophe. Our resilience shall prove to the Devil that causing the ground to shake is not enough to rethink our faith.” Due to its location around seismic fault lines, earthquakes in Iran are common.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, Devil!” said Khamenei.

The earthquake occurred on Tuesday about 60 miles away from the Bushehr nuclear power plant. Tremors reached as far as Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar. Thus far there has been at least 37 casualties.

Fresh off celebrating National Nuclear Technology Day, a holiday created in 2006, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledged that officials would not stop until they find every survivor of the calamity. “As in the past, our great country will not sleep until the victims of tragedy are found and cared for. Let us take this as a victory, for we have forced the United States to unleash its terrible earthquake device on us once again,” he said on Iranian state TV.

Regardless of where Iranian leaders place the blame, all agree that Israel was involved somehow. “It certainly wouldn’t be the first time Israel prostituted itself to the Devil in exchange for a favor,” offered Khamenei.

In contrast, Ahmadinejad ended his speech by saying, “To the Zionist regime: Destroying our cities isn’t going to prove the Holocaust happened any faster. Happy National Nuclear Technology Day.”