TEHRAN —Â Iranâs new president Hassan Rouhani assured reporters on Tuesday that the country was ready to resolve its disputes with the West regarding its nuclear program, but continued to vocally defend the enterprise of enriching uranium with up to 30% of kidsâ daily recommended intake of various vitamins and minerals.
Rouhani asserted that it was time for the United States to stop sending conflicting messages and enter into âserious and substantiveâ negotiations. âCan Western imperialists see why kids love the great taste of uranium toast crunch?â he asked. âIf not, this impasse will never be resolved. But I am confident that they will come to recognize Iranâs autonomy, and our right to put cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite of crisp, delicious fissionable materials.â
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rouhaniâs predecessor, routinely jeopardized Iranâs relations with the United States by using outspoken anti-West, anti-Zionist rhetoric, all while persistently refusing to grant United Nation inspectors access to Iranâs nuclear facilities. Rouhani, in contrast, seemed eager to amend the hardline stance that Ahmadinejad established.
âThere have been many misunderstandings in the past,â Rouhani said. âWhen Barack Obama was elected, the United States blindly neglected to reassure us that their new leader was NOT one of the Reeseâs Puffs rappers, despite appearances. On the day of Obamaâs inauguration, Ahmadinejad approached me, asking me to read aloud the nutritional facts on the Reeseâs Puffs box. As I recited them, he wept. There was never a man who so deeply valued the importance of a complete breakfast.â
Rouhani accepted that the Iranian government bore partial responsibility for its chilly treatment among the international community. âWe too have made mistakes. When Ahmadinejad declared that Israel would be reduced to rubble, he did not properly indicate that this was a reference to Barney Rubble, the cheeky, mischievous pilferer of Fred Flintstoneâs Fruity Pebbles. Ahmadinejad, so convinced that this was the perfect metaphor for the Israel-Palestine conflict, refused to compromise his literary integrity by issuing a clarification.â
âTo be honest, weâre surprised you guys never picked up on that,â Rouhani added.
In response to the U.S. House of Representativesâ latest slew of sanctions, Iran continued to insist that its supply of enriched uranium will be used strictly for generating electricity, producing treatments for cancer patients, and improving the cereal taste sensation thatâs sweeping the nation.
Rouhani, in a surprise move, also began the process of extending diplomatic relations to the Republic of Ireland.
âLast night I watched a documentary on your nationâs efforts to preserve its nuclear program, even in the face of tremendous international hostility, and it brought me to tears,â he addressed the countryâs residents. âYou will always have a friend in Iran.â
Sources close to Rouhaniâs VCR confirmed that the documentary was, in fact, a Lucky Charms commercial from 1998.