NewsLo 📊
NewsLo 📊
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • World

Iranian President Vows to Continue Enriching Uranium with 12 Essential Vitamins Kids Need

  • August 9, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

TEHRAN — Iran’s new president Hassan Rouhani assured reporters on Tuesday that the country was ready to resolve its disputes with the West regarding its nuclear program, but continued to vocally defend the enterprise of enriching uranium with up to 30% of kids’ daily recommended intake of various vitamins and minerals.

Rouhani asserted that it was time for the United States to stop sending conflicting messages and enter into “serious and substantive” negotiations. “Can Western imperialists see why kids love the great taste of uranium toast crunch?” he asked. “If not, this impasse will never be resolved. But I am confident that they will come to recognize Iran’s autonomy, and our right to put cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite of crisp, delicious fissionable materials.”

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rouhani’s predecessor, routinely jeopardized Iran’s relations with the United States by using outspoken anti-West, anti-Zionist rhetoric, all while persistently refusing to grant United Nation inspectors access to Iran’s nuclear facilities. Rouhani, in contrast, seemed eager to amend the hardline stance that Ahmadinejad established.

“There have been many misunderstandings in the past,” Rouhani said. “When Barack Obama was elected, the United States blindly neglected to reassure us that their new leader was NOT one of the Reese’s Puffs rappers, despite appearances. On the day of Obama’s inauguration, Ahmadinejad approached me, asking me to read aloud the nutritional facts on the Reese’s Puffs box. As I recited them, he wept. There was never a man who so deeply valued the importance of a complete breakfast.”

Rouhani accepted that the Iranian government bore partial responsibility for its chilly treatment among the international community. “We too have made mistakes. When Ahmadinejad declared that Israel would be reduced to rubble, he did not properly indicate that this was a reference to Barney Rubble, the cheeky, mischievous pilferer of Fred Flintstone’s Fruity Pebbles. Ahmadinejad, so convinced that this was the perfect metaphor for the Israel-Palestine conflict, refused to compromise his literary integrity by issuing a clarification.”

“To be honest, we’re surprised you guys never picked up on that,” Rouhani added.

In response to the U.S. House of Representatives’ latest slew of sanctions, Iran continued to insist that its supply of enriched uranium will be used strictly for generating electricity, producing treatments for cancer patients, and improving the cereal taste sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

Rouhani, in a surprise move, also began the process of extending diplomatic relations to the Republic of Ireland.

“Last night I watched a documentary on your nation’s efforts to preserve its nuclear program, even in the face of tremendous international hostility, and it brought me to tears,” he addressed the country’s residents. “You will always have a friend in Iran.”

Sources close to Rouhani’s VCR confirmed that the documentary was, in fact, a Lucky Charms commercial from 1998.

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • Iranian President
  • Iranian president crazy
  • Iranian President Rouhani
  • news humor and satire
  • nuclear enrichment
  • Rouhani nuclear enrichment
NewsLo

Previous Article
Bank of America Stunned Justice Dept. Has Balls to Sue Bank
  • Today's Headlines
  • US

Bank of America Stunned Justice Dept. Has Balls to Sue Bank

  • August 9, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Mayoral Candidate Thompson Campaigns as Least Unlikeable
  • New York
  • Today's Headlines

Mayoral Candidate Thompson Campaigns as Least Unlikeable

  • August 9, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • World
  • World Feature

Donald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”

  • NewsLo
  • September 3, 2017
Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • July 10, 2017
Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA”

  • NewsLo
  • July 6, 2017
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Claims He Built The Panama Canal “To Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • June 20, 2017
Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games”

  • NewsLo
  • May 29, 2017
Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia”

  • NewsLo
  • May 23, 2017
Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says”

  • NewsLo
  • May 22, 2017
Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President”
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President”

  • NewsLo
  • May 21, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo 📊
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.