The Devil’s Day is upon us once again, my friends. But the real danger of Halloween is neither the razor blade in the apple nor the scantily-clad co-eds harlotting up our fair streets. It’s high time somebody un-MASKED Halloween as the Socialist Nightmare it truly is.
I’ve been saying it for years, but did anybody listen? No. The entitlement problem in this country is out of hand, and there’s no better embodiment of the lazy, gimme-gimme-gimme culture of Comrade NObama’s America than Halloween.
This is what we’ve come to, America: the streets are full of children celebrating WITCHCRAFT and demanding candy WELFARE. And they don’t just ask; they threaten blue-collar Joes with “tricks” unless they are “treated”. Well the only trick being perpetrated is by Nancy Pelosi and her secret cabal of conspirators at the Mars Candy Company. But I won’t live this way anymore. I’m taking this country back, one tear-streaked Frankenstein at a time.
You know what goodies I drop in trick or treaters’ bags? Life lessons. Sure it may not satisfy that sweet tooth like Good N Plenty, but what’s sweeter than a life dedicated to hard work and self-reliance? You may think you want candy corn, Sally, but what you really want is freedom—freedom from a socialist holiday that teaches you to be dependent on candy-earners.
“But Halloween is fun,” you say. “Maybe we can give away something patriotic to the young folks.” I too thought Halloween could be salvaged, but Satanism and laziness go to its core. Sarah and I considered giving out copies of “Atlas Shrugged,” but what kind of lesson would that be? Children need to pay for their Rand so they don’t become parasites suckling at the teet of the tax-payer. I’d be enabling the expectation that good things in life just get handed to you. Well, they don’t. Sorry to break it to you, kid, but life is hard. You can’t just put on a mask and expect Mallomars to fall into your lap (or pillowcase, as it were). If you ask me, Halloween is nothing short of a slippery slope to armed robbery.
“What can I do,” you ask, “to stop these welfare queens and welfare princesses, these welfare mummies and welfare Spidermans?” If you must give something out, make it hard tack or toothbrushes—items to teach kids that life is about disappointment and harsh realities.
Because if you want candy, you gotta work for it. It’s called Reaganomics and it works. Tax breaks for job creators mean they can buy more and more candy—full-size bars sometimes. And when their jack-o-lantern pails overflow, you get to snatch up those Tootsie Rolls and Bit-O-Honey’s they don’t care enough about to pick up off the ground.
Now, in the past I have been somewhat partial to Halloween. I admit it. There’s nothing closer to a flat-tax than one piece of candy from each household. But I neglected the corrosive influence this holiday could have on our children.
So let’s end the War on Christmas and divert those forces to a battle worth fighting—the War on Halloween.