Israel Only Building Settlement Because of Lumber Liquidators Sale

JERUSALEM — After getting flack for halting controversial settlement construction, only to restart it a day later, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We don’t want to build on Palestinian land, but Lumber Liquidators was selling top-quality laminate floors for as little as 49 cents a foot—we had to construct something.

“I mean, have you seen how crowded Tel Aviv is? We would have built there, but there is no room,” the prime minister said. “ And we would have been absolutely insane not to take advantage of these crazy low prices, especially considering we got an extra 10 percent off for opening a Lumber Liquidators’ credit card.”

While the move has been condemned internationally, many world leaders say they understand the motivation. Said King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, “We hate to see the Zionists stealing more Palestinian land, but it is somewhat understandable. It is really Lumber Liquidators’ fault for having such absurdly low prices.”

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un echoed the Saudi King’s empathic tone. “You think I want to build prison camps? You think I like constructing modern day gulags where people slave to death for the glory of their nation? You’re right, I do like it, but Lumber Liquidators’ spring Blow-out sale let me do it cheaply, which made it that much more enjoyable.”

Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas offered similar comments, remarking that “more settlement construction would further deter peace” and that “Lumber Liquidators must have very tight profit margins, so the fact that their customer service is so great is rather perplexing.”

Robert M. Lynch, CEO of Lumber Liquidators, said that he didn’t think it was appropriate to comment on sensitive political issues, but that if there was a peace summit, he would redo Camp David’s floors for 50 percent off.