Israel, Palestine Talk Peace for 12 Seconds, Resume Hating Each Other

WASHINGTON — The recent agreement between Israelis and Palestinians to commence peace talks for the first time in three years represented a step, however slight, toward improving the contentious relationship between the two sides. But that hope quickly fell by the wayside when, immediately upon arriving at the meeting, Palestinian President Abbas called Israel Prime Minister Netanyahu a “botched circumcision.”

“That was not the start we had hoped for,” said John Kerry, who led the charge toward peace talks between the two sides. “I really had high hopes for this round of discussions, but alas, they went to shit as usual.”

The last example of real Israeli-Palestinian peace progress occurred in 2008, when the sides agreed to an Israel-Hamas ceasefire. But even that agreement disintegrated, eventually leading to the Gaza War.

“Honestly, at this point – fuck it,” said a downtrodden Kerry. “We’re at the point now where they can’t even talk for more than 12 seconds. And, to be fair, 12 seconds is generous. It was more like a 6-second meeting if you don’t include the time it took the translator to translate ‘botched circumcision’ from Arabic to Hebrew.”

Netanyahu views the failed talks, which some pundits believed would last as long as nine months, as the final nail in the coffin. “That’s it. I’m done with them,” said the distressed prime minister. “I came in with an open mind, ready to meet their demands, and what does Abbas do? He insults me.” After a long pause Netanyahu dabbed his eye with a tissue. “God, he is such a meanie.”

Meanwhile, Abbas vehemently defended his remark. “Of course the Western press will paint me as the bad guy,” said Abbas. “Tell me, why has no one reported that he sent me a letter prior to our meeting in Washington to stir up my emotions?” Abbas subsequently pulled out a letter which read “Eat Shit, Palestine.” “Now who is the bad guy?” he inquired.

When asked why he flew all the way to Washington, D.C. if he knew he would simply sabotage the negotiations to get back at Netanyahu, Abbas grinned. “I wanted to see him squirm in person,” he admitted.

Abbas, like Netanyahu, sees no prospects for future peace talks. “Maybe if Netanyahu issues a formal apology,” started Abbas, “but until then, it’s back to hating the shit out of Israel for this guy.”