Israel to Build New Settlements Directly On Top of Palestinians

JERUSALEM — Peace negotiations between Israeli and Palestinian leaders resumed on Wednesday after three years of tense impasse, but Palestinians were reportedly uneasy after Israel released plans to build twelve hundred new settlement homes all over the “spacious, suburban” faces, heads and bodies of West Bank and East Jerusalem residents.

“When Israel approves construction plans like these, especially on the eve of peace talks, one cannot help but question their sincerity,” said Palestinian chief negotiator Saeb Erekat. “The viability of the two-state solution depends on Israel recognizing that, frankly, the majority of Palestinians do not wish to be covered in apartment buildings filled with Jews.”

Israeli Housing Minister Uri Ariel declared that the Palestinian outcry was baseless, and that “no country in the world would take orders on where it could build its homes.”

“Any nation can build any number of houses wherever it wants, and to do so is a fundamental right,” said Ariel. “In addition to building houses on top of Palestinians, plans are underway to build Jewish settlements on clouds, in the middle of the Arby’s parking lot, on Sesame Street, and inside various types of medium-to-large melons. To claim that any of these should not be pursued for any reason is blatant anti-Semitism.”

Some commentators have suggested that the settlement plans may be a concession to far-right groups in Israel, who took umbrage with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s release of twenty-six Palestinian prisoners as part of the negotiation process.

“They’re all yours,” said Netanyahu. “Now you get build whatever you want on top of these guys. Have fun.”

International law has long held that Israel’s settlements in occupied Palestinian territory are illegal, although Israel  has argued otherwise. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, who brokered the negotiations, stated that the news of Israel’s continued settlement plans was “to some degree expected” and admonished Palestinians “not to react adversely.”

“They built a house on top of me when I fought in Vietnam, but did I complain? No, I didn’t. Did I give up? No. I’ll tell you what I did. I moved into that house. I just moved right on in,” rambled Kerry to empty space, while a team of aides looked on apprehensively. “And you know what that house is called today? That’s right: the White House.” Kerry then applauded himself for fifteen consecutive minutes before taking a break for “snacks” and “Gameboy Advance.”