Israelis and Palestinians Fund Syrian Rebels to Keep John Kerry Away

JERUSALEM — Longtime enemies Isreael and Palestine have found common ground in recent days in what many hope is the beginning of a lasting peace between the two tradition enemies.“Today, I am pleased to announce that we have embarked in a joint venture with our Israeli counterparts to do all we can to fund the Syrian Rebels,” said Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. “Both of our people can rejoice knowing that by working together, we can keep U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry away from our lives, and out of our hair.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu echoed the statements as he stood next to Abbas in a display of anti-Kerry solidarity.“At first I thought I would have to actually make peace to get Kerry to go away,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, defending his decision to fund Syrian rebels even though many have links to Islamist terror organizations. “But his obsession with Syria means as long as they keep fighting over there, we will have a reprieve from that snooze-fest here in the Holy Land.”

Both camps acknowledge the ethical ambiguities of stoking  a conflict that has now claimed the lives of over 100,000 people, including at least 8,000 children, but urged everyone to remember just how horrid it is dealing with John Kerry.

“I mean this is a man that published a picture of him wind surfing of the coast of Nantucket in order to connect with the average American,” Abbas vented, “can you imagine a more out of touch obnoxious move?”

Netanyahu echoed those sentiments, explaining that John Kerry seems like a guy who is well intentioned but cannot help acting like someone who needs to be punched in the face.

When John Kerry promised Middle East Peace in nine months, I was sure that it had to be a different John Kerry than the one that lost a presidential election to George W. Bush, one of the least popular presidents of the last fifty years,” explained Netanyahu, “Seriously, does the man think he’ll be able to bore us into peace?”

Both the Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President hope to keep the conflict in Syria going as long as possible in order to keep Kerry busy. Both sides have revealed, however, that if the Syrian conflict does eventually get resolved they would work together to solve their differences—or, failing that,  hire someone to break Kerry’s kneecaps.