Jack Ryan Dead at 63

WASHINGTON – Jack Ryan, fictional Deputy Director of the CIA, President of the United States, and center of the so-called “Ryanverse,” died yesterday at age 63, according to reports. Ryan—incarnated over the years by Alec Baldwin, Ben Affleck and Harrison Ford—was snuffed out of existence upon the death of his creator, novelist Tom Clancy, 66, in a Baltimore hospital Tuesday night.

At a memorial service in Washington, many of Ryan’s friends and colleagues expressed shock at the news of his death, and spoke of his many acts of heroism and his deep dedication to his country. “We have Ryan to thank for stopping a nuclear war,” said President Fowler, played by James Cromwell in 2002’s The Sum of all Fears. “After terrorists detonated a nuke at the Super Bowl, it was Ryan who thwarted my plans to nuke the Russians in retaliation—God knows Jack loved a good war, but my plan was a bit much, I admit.”

Ryan, who began his career as a low-level CIA employee and ascended to the Presidency through a series of improbable, though fictional, events, was known for being tough on enemies of the United States.

“Nobody kicked terrorist ass like Ryan,” said John Clark—aka Willem DeFoe—a CIA paramilitary case officer who worked closely with Ryan. “Whether it was dirty Islamists spreading plague viruses, or smelly Columbian drug lords rebelling against the US, Ryan was there to teach them a little something about American swagger.”

Not all of Ryan’s acquaintances spoke so glowingly of the man, however. “Anyone ever notice that things have been pretty freakin’ bad since Ryan’s been around?” said Elizabeth Eliot, longtime Ryan detractor. “Wars with Japan, nukes going off in major American cities, Ebola attacks, assassinations—all of under Ryan’s watch.”

“Jack Ryan is the worst thing to happen to America since John Rambo,” Eliot continued. “Or at least since Dick Cheney.”