NEW YORK – While the last decade has been tough for fans of the New York Knicks, owner James Dolan is confident that some impending late season moves will help return the franchise to relevancy by as early as next year. While the damage caused by 15 years of ludicrous contracts, gross mismanagement of coaches and players, and Isaiah Thomas has caused many fans to contemplate their allegiance to the team, Dolan believes that the team’s struggles are finally nearing an end.
“The Knicks will compete for the title next year, I guarantee it,” said Dolan at a press conference. “The reason? Well it’s simple, two words: Lamar Odom.”
“I don’t think it would be an understatement to say that Lamar will be the savior of the franchise,” continued Dolan, “Plus, word on the street is he can get some pretty good crack.”
Odom, who turns 35 in November, hasn’t played an NBA game since the 2013 playoffs. He is coming off a back injury, DUI charges, and rumored addiction to crack cocaine. Still, Dolan thinks he has what it takes to develop into a “Michael Jordan-level superstar” who will “carry the team to a championship” in the 2014-15 season.
“This is exactly the reason that we brought in Phil Jackson as president,” said Dolan to reporters. “Phil knows how to win, but he also knows how to harness Lamar’s power. The idea is that we send the two of them off to a secluded basketball dojo for the summer, and then Phil will use his Zen crap to turn Lamar into Michael Jordan, only better. I thought of it in a dream.”
Though the season is nearly over, signing Odom before the season ends would allow the team to work with him over the summer in the hopes that he becomes “better than Moses Malone crossed with Lebron James, with the 3-point shooting and compete level of Larry Bird.’
While fans worry that the move is nothing more than a grab for attention, Dolan assured fans that the signing is “strictly a basketball decision.
“I get the frustration, but people need to realize that I’m doing the best I can,” said Dolan before boarding his private helicopter. “The last thing I want is for this great to fade away into disgrace and obscurity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lead on a kid named Alexi Yashin who I’d love to get playing for the Rangers.”