Markets Throw ‘Menstrual Tantrum’ as Janet Yellen Prepares to Take over the Fed

NEW YORK – The Dow Jones Industrial Average fluctuated wildly today, in what many traders and economists are calling a “menstrual temper tantrum.” The market turmoil comes a day after the US Senate confirmed Janet Yellen to become the first female chair of the Federal Reserve, and many believe that Yellen may be responsible for the market’s “irritability, moodiness and inability to make a decision.”

On Tuesday, only hours after the Senate confirmed Yellen in a largely-partisan vote, the Dow fell nearly 2,000 point before rallying back, only to fall again. A similar cycle repeated throughout the day—a phenomenon that many male economists are contributing to Yellen’s new role in the economy.

“I’m all for equal rights and everything,” said James Tomwell of the Kato Institute, “but there’s a reason men have always been in charge of the Fed. Women are emotional beings—which is great—but the market needs calm and reason, or else a recession could happen.”

Prominent investors say that Yellen’s confirmation “must have injected an unhealthy amount of estrogen into the market,” and say that the tantrum is costing them serious money.

“First the markets love us, then they hate us, then they act like we don’t exist—all within just a few hours,” said Steven A. Cohen, founder of hedge fund SAC Capital Advisors. “I haven’t seen behavior like that since my wife went through menopause, and at least then I wasn’t losing $5 million an hour.”

Yellen will be the first woman to head a major central bank in world history—an impressive accomplishment, since the economic professions are still dominated by men. Women earn only about a third of economics doctoral degrees in the US. On Wall Street—a “male-dominated, hierarchical world,” according to Margo Epprecht—women represent 54% of workers, but 0% of CEOs, and over the last decade 141,000 female workers have left the financial industry.

“Chicks are nice to look at—at least sometimes,” said trader Chad Bellows. “But working in finance? Not so sure about that one, bro. And I definitely wouldn’t want one running the Fed. She might steer the whole economy towards make-up and handbag production.”

Yellen, reached for comment, noted that she has not yet formally entered her new position. “Any turmoil the markets are currently experiencing should be attributed to my predecessor and friend, Ben Bernanke,” Yellen said. “He’s a sweet old guy, but the same testosterone levels that gave him that bald head have been wreaking financial havoc, in my opinion.”