TOKYO – On July 1, Japanese Prime Minster Shinzo Abe’s cabinet approved an interpretive change to the nation’s constitution, allowing the Japanese military to send “talking robot dogs” to combat attacks on Japan’s allies.

Since World War II Japan’s constitution has heavily restricted its military. Under Article 9, they’ve been limited to action only in the event that Japan is directly attacked. The reinterpretation of Article 9 now allows the military to defend its allies if they are attacked-in “conflict zones.”

The decision to use talking robot dogs was simple, said Abe, explaining that “They’re much more effective than the kamikaze tactics used during WWII, since they won’t burn up on impact. They just keep fighting like American terminators.”

The robot dogs, though yet to be unveiled, are known to have been designed by Sanrio, the company known for “Hello Kitty.” An assembly line worker for Sanrio, requesting anonymity, said “We were told they had to be deceptively cute, so that when an enemy solider gets tempted to pet it, he ends up getting his hand bit off or burned. Depending on the model, it varies.”

The change to the post World War II constitution has drawn heavy criticism from China, with Chinese foreign ministry spokesman Hong Lei questioning if Japan “will change the peaceful development it has followed since WWII,” adding, “if they veer from that course let it be known that the people of the People’s Republic of China have no problem feasting on the circuits of robot dogs. Actually… the food supply is a problem in our country… Do robot dogs possess nutrients? Er—let me get back to you on this.”

In an effort to quell worldwide concerns, Abe held an international press conference earlier today. “The Japanese are still a peace loving people,” said Abe.

“The only difference is now we have talking robot dogs to get us, and our allies, out of sticky situations, and maybe do a little whale hunting, but that’s it.“