To: Mark Sanford <[email protected]>
Subject: Making Amends
Just wanted to touch base with you. I know we haven’t spoken since you failed as a husband and father, but it’s been several years now and I think we can put it behind us.
Seeing as you and I may be competing for a South Carolina house seat, I just wanted to reach out my hand and give you the finger. I mean, *wish you good luck. Damn, the autocorrect on the iPhone sucks!
How are you and the mistress doing? I hear you’re engaged now. That’s wonderful. I’m sure our 4 sons would be happy for you too if they weren’t still heartbroken over the fact that you destroyed our family. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about this whole “election” thing. I hope you and I can behave professionally— I’d hate to give the media even more material to exploit you as a terrible person, you know? I think we both deserve a fair run.
Politics aside, do you think you could come by the house next weekend? I still have a lot of your junk and it’s taking up a bunch of space in the house. Heads up though, I sold most of your stuff yesterday at a garage sale. Those hiking boots you bought sold for A LOT of money! It’s funny how trash can be valuable to some people. Speaking of, say hi to mistress Maria for me.
Anyways, I’m off to a press conference. Apparently the public really likes me! Who knew single moms overcoming the devastation of a heartless husband faired so well in the limelight?
I’ll be in touch. *Won’t be in touch. Damn autocorrect.
Sent from my iPhone