JERUSALEM – For the 1,979th consecutive year, Jesus, Son of God, has failed to show up for the birthday party thrown in his honor by Christians all over the world. Promising to return to Earth shortly after ascending into Heaven “to grab a pack of smokes” months after His 33rd birthday, He has failed to return since.
“I believed this would be the year” said a dejected Pope Benedict XVI from the Vatican. “We did our best to marginalize homosexuals, kinda cleaned up that pedophilia thing, I even wore my best hat. Really thought turning the big two-oh-one-two would bring out a more considerate Messiah.”
Speculation has been rampant as to why the King of Kings has neglected to attend any of His birthday celebrations. While some have argued that preparing a huge feast for a man who preached giving away all of one’s Earthly possessions is in poor taste, others have noted that having too little food would be a faux pas.
“Look, you skimp on the food and He’ll feel compelled to provide His own. Remember the loaves and the fishes? It literally took a miracle to get that party going” posited Rev. Dr. Arthur Kendell, professor of Religion at Harvard Divinity School. “And while we’re at it maybe lose the crucifixes. I’d hate to go to a fete in my honor and be surrounded by artist’s renderings of me being impaled and hung out to die.”
Jesus spoke exclusively with Newslo regarding his absence at his birthday party this year, “yeah, I got the invite and everything, but I was thinking taking it easy here” said Jesus seated at the right hand of his Father. “To be honest, I get that they dig Me, but not sure they really get My message. I spent years preaching peace and love – in no uncertain terms, mind you – and that clearly has not sunk in. So I’m not going back till it does. Seriously, two millennia later there are still wars, strife, and people not treating each other the way they themselves would like to be treated. Sometimes even in my name.”
