NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • World

Jesus a No-Show at Own Birthday Party Yet Again

  • December 26, 2012
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

JERUSALEM – For the 1,979th consecutive year, Jesus, Son of God, has failed to show up for the birthday party thrown in his honor by Christians all over the world.  Promising to return to Earth shortly after ascending into Heaven “to grab a pack of smokes” months after His 33rd birthday, He has failed to return since.

“I believed this would be the year” said a dejected Pope Benedict XVI from the Vatican.  “We did our best to marginalize homosexuals, kinda cleaned up that pedophilia thing, I even wore my best hat.  Really thought turning the big two-oh-one-two would bring out a more considerate Messiah.”

Speculation has been rampant as to why the King of Kings has neglected to attend any of His birthday celebrations.  While some have argued that preparing a huge feast for a man who preached giving away all of one’s Earthly possessions is in poor taste, others have noted that having too little food would be a faux pas.

“Look, you skimp on the food and He’ll feel compelled to provide His own.  Remember the loaves and the fishes?  It literally took a miracle to get that party going” posited Rev. Dr. Arthur Kendell, professor of Religion at Harvard Divinity School.  “And while we’re at it maybe lose the crucifixes.  I’d hate to go to a fete in my honor and be surrounded by artist’s renderings of me being impaled and hung out to die.”

Jesus spoke exclusively with Newslo regarding his absence at his birthday party this year, “yeah, I got the invite and everything, but I was thinking taking it easy here” said Jesus seated at the right hand of his Father.  “To be honest, I get that they dig Me, but not sure they really get My message.   I spent years preaching peace and love – in no uncertain terms, mind you – and that clearly has not sunk in.  So I’m not going back till it does.  Seriously, two millennia later there are still wars, strife, and people not treating each other the way they themselves would like to be treated.  Sometimes even in my name.”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • jesus and christmas
  • Jesus didn't show up this year
  • Jesus missed christmas
  • Jesus where r u
  • Jews and christmas
  • news makeup
  • Satire
  • satire and political and humor
  • world humor and satire
NewsLo

Previous Article
John Boehner Announces Plan C: Retirement 1
  • Politics

John Boehner Announces Plan C: Retirement

  • December 26, 2012
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment 2
  • Politics

Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment

  • December 26, 2012
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • World
  • World Feature

Donald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”

  • NewsLo
  • September 3, 2017
Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • July 10, 2017
Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA” 4
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA”

  • NewsLo
  • July 6, 2017
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Claims He Built The Panama Canal “To Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • June 20, 2017
Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games” 5
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games”

  • NewsLo
  • May 29, 2017
Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia” 6
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia”

  • NewsLo
  • May 23, 2017
Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says” 7
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says”

  • NewsLo
  • May 22, 2017
Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President” 8
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President”

  • NewsLo
  • May 21, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.