Jesus’s Wife Wrote ‘Dear John’ Letter on Ancient Papyrus

NEW YORK- In September of 2012 Karen L. King, professor of divinity at Harvard University, announced the existence of a small scrap of Egyptian papyrus that had within its lines the first tangible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth, savior to millions of the Christian faith, was married. The fragment, immediately denounced as a forgery by the Vatican newspaper and numerous religious scholars, has only recently been verified as an authentic religious document. A gamut of tests revealed the papyrus to date back to somewhere between the seventh and eighth century A.D. Though famed comparative religious scholar Ruth Rootenall, who did not partake in the examination, cautioned it was “unlikely that the document is an original. It’s much more likely to be a copy of something written much earlier, much closer to the time of Jesus’s life.”King has long maintained that the discovery of the incomplete text, which contained a mention of Jesus’s wife, did not definitively prove that the historical Jesus was married. “In my eyes, it still would have been the Christian find of the new millennium, either way.”

Since her initial pronouncement, her valuation of the find’s significance has only grown.

“As we began to analyze the document further,” continued King, “we realized that we had translated certain Coptic characters incorrectly. Only then did it become apparent that what we’ve discovered is, in fact, a ‘Dear John’—or in this case, a ‘Dear Jesus’—letter.

“This document offers important insights into the man considered by billions to be the messiah, as well as the trials and tribulations of the first woman to become married to—and then separated from—the church.”

Though woefully incomplete, with some sentences having been worn away and a large chunk missing, the newly translated document was released yesterday. It reads:

“Jay, I love you, and part of me always will, but I find us growing apart. When we lived with John, and everything was just honey and locusts [section missing] and I didn’t mind when you turned those moneylenders out of the temple. Seeing your chest heaving and your long hair matted to your forehead, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so ready to spread like the Dead Sea. But that passion you once had, it’s become childish, my dear. Cursing that poor tree because it had no figs to give you [section missing] And I can’t ignore the whores anymore. And don’t think I haven’t noticed how excited you get when you touch their feet (section missing) And the way you spend time with that Peter always calling him your rock, my mother warned me you had the look of a Sodomite what with your long hair. The truth is I met someone else, a real fisherman who casts his net for fish and not [fragment ends]”

The letter ends with a lipstick stain that, under scrutiny, was revealed to consist of a wine-water base.