BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Members of the Jewish community came together this morning to announce a renewal of the annual War on Christmas, this time summoning a terrible Golem – the fabled creature of Talmudic lore – to help them achieve their destruction of the Christian lifestyle.
Historically, the Golem has been created as a protector of the Jewish people. However, Rabbi Benjamin Hirsch, leader of the congregation that shaped the being from clay, has made it explicitly clear that the Golem is being called upon purely to remove Christian iconography from public places, signs reading “Merry Christmas!” from storefronts, and the general freedom of American Christians to express their beliefs anymore.
The eight-foot, imperfect mass is shaped roughly like a man, and was infused with life when a group of Christmas-hating Jews began circling the form while chanting the Hebrew letters aleph, mem, and tav. According to mythology, the Golem will do the Jews’ bidding unquestioningly, making it a formidable and dreadful bastion of destruction.
Pundits from Fox News – the only network to cover the story so far – have expressed hope that the fearsome Golem will interpret its orders too literally and turn on its creators, but are still worried that Christmas will fall victim to the malevolent machinations of Muslims, Progressives, and atheists.