NEW YORK – A beaming Joe Lhota took to the podium after his historic drubbing in the New York City mayoral election and triumphantly told supporters that their months long nightmare is finally at an end, and he for one “could not be more excited to get out of the public eye.”
Garnering only 24% of the vote in the biggest landslide loss in NYC mayoral history, Lhota called Democratic rival Bill DeBlasio and congratulated him on becoming the next mayor before taking the stage and gave his concession speech shortly after 4PM. New York City polls do not close until 9PM. “My friends, the day we have all been waiting for is here” Lhota told the frenzied crowd packed into the meeting room of the Days Inn by the Lincoln Tunnel. “We’ve worked hard, put in a lot of long hours, and endured wave after wave of defeatism and negativity. Now it’s all paid off. I can finally say the words you’ve all been longing to hear: It’s over. It’s all over. We can stop now”
Crushing defeat aside, partygoers were in full thrall as the day wore on, a symptom of what political scientists refer to as Mondale Syndrome. “What you are seeing is the liberation of a group of people who have spent the last few months hostage to a forced optimism,” said Fordham University Political Science professor Isaac Adens. “Just a mere few hours ago, they were all saying how “upbeat” they all were and confident in a big upset. Now is the time to drop the pretense and embrace reality unfettered by party-affiliated delusion.”
As staffers moved into Stage Five of Mondale Syndrome, “body shots and keg stands”, many focused on how they will no longer work for a man whose petulance was laughed at in debates or who implied he would have kittens run over by subway cars. And it’s great to not be associated with the New York Post’s increasingly hysterical attempts to portray DeBlasio as a Communist” said Lhota’s Communications director Vincent Balascio.
“It’s all someone else’s problem now,” he added, before shot-gunning a can of Schlitz.
According to sources, the cherry on top was when Rudy Giuliani campaigned for Lhota by accusing the DeBlasio camp of being racist and divisive. “That,” said Adens, “is like having Rob Ford lecture you on the merits of sobriety.”
As of press time, the DeBlasio campaign victory party has still been in full swing since Columbus Day.
