John Boehner Announces Plan C: Retirement

WASHINGTON – Following Speaker of the House John Boehner’s failed Plan B tax compromise, he has announced what he’s referring to as “Plan C”: his intention to quit the extraordinarily dysfunctional Republican party and leave partisan politics behind.

Donning a Hawaiian shirt, sandals, and sipping a fruity alcoholic beverage, Boehner announced his retirement today, claiming that his job as Speaker of the House simply isn’t worth the trouble.

“You think this job is fun? Trying to please wealthy curmudgeons, lunatics who wear tea bag hats, and gun nuts, all while negotiating with a newly rejuvenated president? I don’t need this. I’m a wealthy small business owner,” said Boehner, triumphantly crushing a slice of lime into his hollowed-out coconut cup. “While the members of my party continue bickering with Democrats, their approval rating at an all-time low, I’ll be swaying to Jimmy Buffet and solidifying my tan.”

President Obama expressed disappointment at Boehner’s decision to retire amidst their budget negotiations, but wished him well.

“Today America mourns the retirement of the last semi-reasonable, level-headed member of the Republican party,” said Obama.

According to Boehner, he came to his decision after several days of crying, deep reflection, and prayer.