Ceasefire in Middle East Extends to John Kerry’s Mouth

TEL AVIV, Israel – Leaders from Israel and the Palestinian organization Hamas agreed to a 24-hour ceasefire over the weekend in hopes of offsetting the carnage that has resulted from weeks of ground raids, rocket attacks, and “mindless drivel spouted from John Kerry’s piehole.”

“Every time I turn around, there’s John Kerry,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who at one point in 2014 begged President Barack Obama to withdraw the U.S. Secretary of State from Israel and replace him with anyone not named John Kerry. “I appreciate his ardor in brokering peace talks, but at a certain point you have to give it a rest.”

Since being sworn in as secretary of state in February 2013, Kerry has fruitlessly worked to facilitate a détente between Israelis and Palestinians on multiple occasions. Recently, he told reporters that he desired a seven-day peace period during the Muslim holiday Eid al-Fitr so the sides could communicate and create a “more durable, sustainable ceasefire” for the future.

“This is one ceasefire Netenyahu and I can agree on,” said Hamas leader Khaled Mashal, who admits to tuning out every word uttered by John Kerry and his “fat American yapper.”

Per the terms of the ceasefire, the secretary of state will be precluded from negotiating peace talks between the two sides, bringing up David Ben-Gurion at dinner parties, and saying “Israel” and “Palestine” within three words of each other.

“The one caveat, of course, is that our ceasefires don’t always hold a lot of weight,” said Netanyahu. “In case you haven’t been following the news for the last 70 or so years.”

Netanyahu went on to say that “in any event, [he] simply hope[s] that John Kerry gets the message and finds another region to incessantly annoy.”

At press time, bombings and attacks had recommenced between the two sides, but John Kerry had not officially offered any insight, a rare victory for Israelis and Palestinians alike.