NEW YORK — New York City Comptroller John Liu has announced his intention to run for mayor of New York City. Liu, mistaking New York for Detroit, started his campaign stating, “I know how to launder money as well as any candidate out there—you can see that by looking at my campaign donor log.”
“That’s why, as the next mayor of Detroit, I will misappropriate funds, hire cronies, and maintain the socio-economic injustice this city was built on!”
Liu has been working hard in recent years to develop the kind of record that could get him elected mayor of Detroit.
“I’ve built my team out of the best white-collar criminals and shady personal accountants that money can buy. Rather, that taxpayer money can buy,” Liu said, referencing the fact that the city gives mayoral candidates taxpayer money in matching funds—a policy his campaign has abused like a paddle in a dungeon.
Liu has been accused by many observers of using straw donors and undisclosed bundling to acquire campaign contributions. In 2011 the New York Times revealed that many people on his contributor list had not in fact contributed, and that donor forms contained glaring irregularities.
“That was the moment, that Times article,” said Liu, “that got me thinking, I could win. I could be the next mayor of Detroit. The next day I donned my Pistons jersey and started campaigning hard.”
“It all paid off when the FBI began investigating Oliver Pan, a bundler of mine, because he was accepting 4 times the legal limit for personal donations and not attributing the donations properly.”
For safety, after Pan was arrested by the FBI, Liu’s campaign continued their policy of dodgy practices, which ultimately resulted in campaign treasurer Jenny Hou being arrested for using straw donors to gain additional public funding illegally.
“Now I know I can win this election,” said Liu. “Go Tigers!”
New Yorkers were contacted for comment, but Newslo was unable to find a New Yorker that cared who was in charge of babysitting Wall Street, unleashing the NYPD on minority communities, and generally propagating a system of economic subjugation.
