John McAfee Becomes Human Anti-Virus

GUATEMALA CITY – The most unusual murder mystery this year has just gotten more peculiar. While avoiding police in Guatemala, anti-virus guru John McAfee has transformed into an actual walking, talking anti-virus program.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Adolfo Felipe. “It seems that so much of his interest in creating anti-virus software has re-wired his brain into an actual anti-virus program. It truly is amazing.”

McAfee’s paranoid tendencies have mirrored his most secure anti-virus package, leading him to check up on police activity, pop up whenever he thinks something is wrong, and even delete memories that he deems to be malicious.

The official diagnosis of his anti-virus transformation came when McAfee was rushed to the hospital for heart problems. When doctors asked what may have caused his heart complications, he said he had “14 infected files.” He further clarified that “one of the infected files is murder and [he needs] a new hard drive to fix it. It can’t be deleted.”

“The recent heart attack saga involving Mr. McAfee stemmed from an attempt to delete his most malicious memories from his brain,” said head surgeon Mario Ernesto. “These infected files are slowing down his system and he’ll eventually need a whole new brain to be back at 100% functionality.”

It’s rumored that McAfee is currently experimenting with hallucinogens in an attempt to create a new brain.