Jones: “White House Hiding Malia’s Drugged Sex Tape, But Why Would A Decent Man Want To Watch A Gorilla Intercourse Anyway?”

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has suggested the Obama White House is hiding a sex tape featuring Malia Obama. “My sources in cyber security and intelligence tell me Obama is using NSA, CIA and Anonymous hackers to scrub any trace of the tape from the Internet,” said Jones on his show “Info Wars.” “He also used his contacts with Google to stop the video showing up in searches.”

“Now, to be completely honest, I’m sure a great majority of us can relate to being young and doing things in the spur of the moment. And with technology being what it is today, it’s easy to just pick up your smartphone and start snapping or filming virtually anything you deem interesting, especially if you’re under the influence of something like alcohol or drugs. But again – most of us have our own skeletons in the closet, so I don’t think we should be that quick to judge poor Malia,” Jones said.

“Living under a glass bell takes its toll on a person,” he continued. “And when you’re basically jailed most of the time you’re awake, you kind of want to protest that. You want control over your life and freedom to do something without thinking of the consequences and that’s understandable. But, here’s what I’m confused about: if it was okay for our president to watch porn before he became commander-in-chief, during his student days and when he was just some guy nobody cared about, why does he have double standards when it comes to a tape that features his daughter?”

Jones also said, “Truth be told, I can’t possibly imagine if any decent Americans out there, or anyone else for that matter, would have anything to gain from watching a video of a young gorilla having drugged sex? I mean, you could probably have more fun by just going to the nearest zoo and waiting to see if the gorillas in captivity will get it on at some point. But hey – what I don’t know could fill a warehouse and I certainly am not going to explore what drugged gorilla intercourse looks like, First Daughter or not.”

The conspiracy theorist also said, “But what I am going to explore because it’s important and I owe it to you, my male listeners, is why President Obama is being a hypocrite on this.” He added that double standards “never helped anyone,” and “least of all, a person of historical significance, in lack of a better term.” “It’s not fair and that goes double because we’re talking here about a man who’s spent the last 8 years trying to present himself as righteous and fair above all else, and here we have proof that that’s a lie,”

“I hereby request that Malia Obama’s sex tape be made publicly available for watching because that’s only fair when it comes to the interests of millions of male Americans. I want pornography aficionados to have that experience of seeing what a drugged gorilla looks like when it’s having intercourse, and I ask that it be done immediately. Americans deserve to know what a barely-legal First Daughter looks and sounds like while she’s defying her daddy,” Jones concluded.