NEW YORK — For every dollar of your money that hackers spend using stolen account information, you will earn two Chase Ultimate Rewards points. The points will be redeemable for travel, merchandise, and enhanced credit monitoring services.
The policy update grants JPMorgan, the largest bank in the country, the right to “share, sell, or otherwise leave customers’ sensitive banking data accessible to anyone with a high-speed modem” in exchange for “enrollment in the ultimate rewards program without any blackout dates, restrictions, or security protocols.”
JPMorgan told the Securities and Exchange Commission that while names, phone numbers, addresses, and emails of account holders had been exposed in the breach, it could not confirm that any money has yet been taken as a result.
“Honestly, we don’t keep track of those things,” said Charlie Danvers, an account specialist for JPMorgan’s credit division. “I like to think of myself more as a people person than a number cruncher, anyway.”
Jamie Dimon, the bank’s chairman and chief executive, reminded the European hackers that, should they spend $5,000 or more per stolen account over the course of the next billing cycle, each of the affected customers would get 30,000 bonus points. “Everybody wins,” he said.
“Nothing demonstrates high levels of consumer confidence quite like the purchase of questionable big-ticket items,” claimed Dimon. “Despite some lingering concern over the recent data breach, we’re confident that JPMorgan’s sterling reputation with the public remains intact.”
Susan Fisher, a single parent living in Akron, Ohio, did not know what to think when she spotted a suspicious charge on her recent credit card statement. “Why would I buy a riding mower for $11,000? I live in an apartment,” she said.
Fisher now says that she will be using her rewards points to pay for a bankruptcy attorney and an annual subscription to LifeLock. “Or maybe I’ll just catch a flight to Italy to get away for awhile. I mean you only live once—or twice if someone is walking around with your stolen identity.”