WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy will reportedly spend the next few weeks “getting a feel for the lives of gay Americans” by experimenting with a homosexual lifestyle and immersing himself in gay culture. According to sources close to the Justice, Kennedy hopes that the experience will help him reach a decision vis-à-vis the two gay-rights cases recently argued before the Supreme Court.
“Justice Kennedy takes his duties as a member of the Supreme Court very seriously,” a clerk told Newslo. “He knows his vote in these cases will likely carry greater weight than those of the other Justices, and he wants to get it right.” Indeed, because Justice Kennedy is not predictably liberal or conservative in his voting record—as are the other eight Justices—he is often considered the Supreme Court’s “swing vote,” giving him disproportionate power over the Court’s decisions.
“With that heavy responsibility in mind, [Justice Kennedy] feels he needs to know more about the daily lives of American homosexuals before deciding these cases,” the clerk said. “Beginning next week, he’ll step into their fabulous shoes, and try to see the world as they do.”
The Justice’s program of gay-life immersion will reportedly include frequent trips to day spas, participation in drag shows, and long nights out “clubbing.” “Justice Kennedy will also be listening to Culture Club and the Village People on his iPod nearly 24 hours a day,” the clerk added. “He’s already started interior-design courses, and has met with the cast of Queer Eye to spice up his wardrobe. And some point along the way, he’ll probably have sex with a man. But only if he gets to be the ‘top’.”
Some gay rights organizations are weary of the Justice’s plan. Ted Berlin, of GLAAD, said: “Yeah, the whole thing is kind of offensive. Kennedy seems to think all gay men are flamboyant and effeminate. But at least the old coot’s trying. His heart’s in the right place.”