WASHINGTON — Karl Rove woke up Monday morning, to his extreme disappointment, on the wrong side of history.
Pundits and opponents of his tenure as the shadowy puppet master and White House Chief of Staff during the Bush presidency long warned Rove that he would wind up on the wrong side of history, and on Monday, finally, it happened.
Sometime Sunday night, while Rove was sleeping, the change occured. “Who can pinpoint the exact moment? I guess I’m just glad I slept through it,” said Rove.
“That’s probably the last good night of sleep I’m going to get.”
Rove, 62, spent much of the aughts as the architect behind everything opponents hated about the George W. Bush presidency—from the erosion of personal libertiesto the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
Thos wars, which Rove helped mastermind, have devolved into chaos and have failed to achieve their stated goal of curbing terrorism and spreading democracy.
On Monday alone, a suicide bomber killed 14 in Afghanistan, a series of car bombs in Baghdad killed at least 48 and injured 170, the bodies of five kidnapped Iraqi policemen were discovered, and ten Iraqi policemen were gunned down in a firefight in the Anbar province.
“Man, I was positive that the citizens of these countries needed a lethal injection of democracy,” Rove said after hearing the news.
Muhammed Khamis Abu Risha, a fugitive former member of the Sunni Awakening in Iraq, said of Monday’s attacks, “The protest is not peaceful anymore and we are ready for them. The coming days will not pass peacefully. We don’t want democracy anymore.”
After being read the quote, Rove commented, “Well, there you go.”
After the Bush presidency, Rove founded the ironically-named Conservative Victory Project, a political action committee (PAC) that accidentally funded the defeat of many conservative politicians in the 2012 election.
“The hope was that we’d rule forever and the Citizens United ruling really made it seem like we’d have everything we wanted,” said Rove. “With Pepsi opening its first plant in Afghanistan in 2014, it appeared that democracy in Afghanistan was as vibrant and healthy shape as Jim Fixx.”
“Everything seemed like it would go our way. Romney, the wars, you know, everything. I mean, we spent so much money on the election, how could we lose?”
“History is a harsh mistress,” Rove, a husk of the man he was yesterday, added.
Rove is uncertain how he’ll continue to live with himself now that the ruling from history has been handed down.
“I don’t know what the future holds. I’m feeling a little listless, like I could curl up into a little ball in a cold shower and cry myself to sleep forever and ever.”