Ken Ham Forces Unmarried Employees To Sing They “Won’t Touch The Animals In Sexual Ways”

The state of Kentucky is hoping that creationist Ken Ham’s new Ark Encounter theme park will create a lot of jobs, bit it turns out those jobs come with a pretty big catch. Fox13Now reports that Ham makes all prospective Ark employees sign a statement where they not only affirm they believe in creationism, but also disavow homosexuality and premarital sex. Ham is able to do this despite the fact that he’s receiving $18 million in sales tax incentives to build the Ark and boost tourism in the area.

However, in what can only be characterized as likely the most awkward and embarrassing job interview ever, Ham also seems to take precaution when it comes to protecting the animals that will be located within the Ark to simulate the original beasts that Noah supposedly gathered onto his legendary vessel. “With the state of things with youth today, one can never be too careful,” Ham told Fox13Now. “If I don’t take care of things, nobody else will. But, it’s all in the day’s work, I don’t mind.”

According to an applicant who requested anonymity after being rejected for a position on the new Kentucky attraction-to-be, “they made us hold hands, all 50 or so of us, and they told us that if we wanted to go through to the next round of the interview, we had to chant some sort of crazy rhyme. I don’t remember all of it, since they handed us printed out versions on paper, but I distinctly remember a part of it went something like, ‘…And if an animal or two, I touch against its will, Mr. Ham will have to do, what he needs to fill, my place when I resign, and go away for good, for that will be a sign, from God just like it should.’”

Asked to comment, Ham told Fox13Now that “the only thing I hoped to accomplish with that was find out how many applicants had what it took to get the job. It’s like a filtration system – those who are willing to do what it takes and give their word on something are the kind of people we’re looking for when it comes to jobs in the Ark. And I know I’m right to be doing that, to be so strict. Because, in His infinite wisdom, God has created countless different members of his flock. Some of us are normal, others find goats irresistibly attractive. I never understood that, but who am I to judge, right? My job is to protect the animals, period.”

Ham also argued, “Imagine what could happen if I stopped doing this. Who’s to say that on any given day, a family of four, with an emphasis on the little ones, who decided they wanted to see where man comes from, wouldn’t witness an Ark employee getting hot and heavy with a cow or giraffe? Because, that’s just one of the things that could happen here. And the worst part isn’t even the fact that those children would then leave the Ark thinking babies are born thanks to human-giraffe sex. The worst part is the lawsuit thanks to their parents, and the fact that we would have zero ways of punishing that employee. This way, at least we’re able to count on their word, if anything.”

“If they lie to themselves, that’s their problem. If they try to lie to us, then it becomes everybody’s problem, which is why it mustn’t happen. Besides, if they can’t control being aroused around giraffes or other animals, there’s a zoo right down the street. They can knock themselves out there,” he concluded.