Kerry Argues for Constitutional Amendment Protecting ‘Right to Be Stupid’

WASHINGTON — While Secretary of State John Kerry’s admission to students in Berlin that in America “you have a right to be stupid if you want to be” was immediately seized upon as a gaffe, his sincerity became apparent as soon as the politician returned home and began pressuring lawmakers and citizens to push for a Constitutional amendment guaranteeing that very right to every American.

“This is a right that Americans have been exercising for time immemorial,” said Kerry. “Now it’s time to codify this sacred right into the very framework of our laws.”

During an interview on Fox News’ On the Record, Kerry asked the rhetorical question: “Is it stupid to tell young citizens of other countries that one of America’s chief values is our right to be stupid? You betcha.” He then answered his own question in no uncertain terms “In fact, I am proud to have exercised my right as an American to be stupid. In any other country, they try to suppress stupidity from defining their culture. But here, stupid gets you a reality show. Stupid can propel you to high political offices. So let me be clear: I’m with stupid.”

Kerry went on to list the many forms of stupidity that Americans of all backgrounds cling to and defend as fundamental rights or axiomatic truths, citing among them any belief that America is a monarchy, that the Germans won World War II, and that Syria is a city in Iraq.

Carl Skidmore, an extraordinarily stupid person, took Kerry’s message to heart and organized protesters to wave misspelled signs and chant poorly conceived slogans outside the White House.

“I love the Constitution and I have no idea how changing it would work,” said Skidmore, slack-jawed and speaking with the unearned confidence of a true Philistine. “But if I want to believe that the elected officials in government are secretly trying to establish a tyrannical dictatorship and that the only thing stopping them is me and my rifle, I have that right. And if respecting that right makes my insane belief a honest-to-God concern in the conversation about gun control, that’s because of our freedom.”

“They hate our freedom,” added Skidmore, in reference to no one in particular.