India Refuses to Allow Sec. Kerry into Country without Cavity Search

NEW DELHI – In retaliation for the arrest of Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade in New York, the Indian government has demanded that all future visits by American Secretary of State John Kerry begin with an invasive cavity search.

Khobgragade was charged with one count of visa fraud and one count of making a false statement before officers decided to stare at her vagina. Both charges stem from an apparent attempt by Khobragade to violate New York City’s minimum wage law and underpay her housekeeper.

The incident has triggered an anti-American backlash in India. With India temporarily removing security barriers that protected the U.S. embassy and rescinding a plethora of privileges previously enjoyed by the U.S. consular. The Indian government believes that only a high level American diplomat subjected to a humiliating cavity search can heal the rift.

John Kerry has already expressed regret over the incident, but has fallen short of issuing a full apology.

“I deeply sympathize with the Indian government,” said a beleaguered and clearly concerned Kerry. “And while I truly detested my last colonoscopy, I am prepared to undergo the horror of a full-body cavity search in the spirit of strong international relations..

“As long as they use lube,” he quickly added.