PYONGYANG, North Korea — Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader of this poverty-stricken nation, is reportedly recovering from complications incurred while “giving his blood, sweat, tears, and rendered chin fat” back to his malnourished populace.
State television now reports that the “uncomfortable physical condition,” which kept the so-called “Great Successor” out of the public eye since September 3, was a side effect of Kim’s plan to feed his nation with the finest imported foods, albeit secondhand (and third chin).
Sources indicate that a team of private doctors had been flown in from abroad to handle Kim’s procedure at the elite Bonghwa Clinic. While also not yet verified, there has been speculation that Joan Rivers’ personal doctor was among them.
State-owned media has long trumpeted Kim’s willingness to sacrifice for the good of the nation. A documentary aired just before his notable absence from a meeting of the legislature showed Kim, 31, in “some discomfort” while limping through one of his many on-site visits.
The narrator of the propaganda film called “Improving the Lives of the People,” observed: “His whole body is drenched in sweat, but he does not stop working hard, instead showing concern for the health of the other workers.”
Workers in the footage can be seen suckling on Kim’s discarded sweat rags for sustenance.
Korea experts like Michael Madden initially suggested that, “Based on his gait, it appears he has gout – something [due to] diet and genetic predisposition that has affected other members of the Kim family.”
Added Madden, “My, what swollen ankles he had.” Now these same experts interpret the leader’s cankles in a new light. “All the better to feed his nation, were he to redistribute the fat, I suppose.”
Kim, whose weight has ballooned to an estimated 280 pounds, lives on a steady diet of rich food and drink—including copious amounts of imported Swiss cheese—all of which largely remains off limits to citizens.
South Korea’s largest newspaper reported Tuesday that Kim fractured both ankles under his enormous weight, indicating to his handlers that Kim’s fat was ready for reaping.
“We’re expecting a bumper crop from this year’s harvest,” exclaimed one North Korean farmer. Scratching his distended belly, he continued, “I could really go for some jowl meat about now.”