BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. – Pregnant reality-TV star Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Kanye West have reportedly agreed in principle to the sale of their unborn child to celebrity tabloid Us Weekly. “With this acquisition, Us Weekly once again proves that we are the only place to turn to for celebrity news, gossip, and offspring,” said Us Weekly Editor-in-Chief Michael Steele. “The reveal of little Us Weekly Kardashian-West is going to be the product launch of the century!”
While the details of the agreement, rumored to be worth just under a million dollars, have not been made public, sources say the mother-to-be can earn additional money if she provides a healthy and sanitary receptacle for the product during the incubation period. However, Kardashian insisted financial matters would play no part in how she manages her pregnancy. “This is a life-changing event that will change my life,” she said, dressed in a lacy, white bikini. “Like any mother, I only want what’s best for my investment.”
She then tossed her hair back, placed her hand on her hip alluringly, and smiled. “Now, somebody hose me down. It’s time for a bikini/baby bump photo shoot!”
Industry insiders applauded Us Weekly’s bold move. “My hat’s off to Mike, he absolutely blind-sided everyone,” said Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief Joanna Coles. “We weren’t even expecting to bid on the placenta for another month.”
News of the sale has not gone over well with the rest of the cast of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, with sister Kourtney Kardashian being the most vocal opponent. “What a total, skank-whore move!” She recently screamed while shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. “If she thinks we’re just going to let her hand our newest cast member over to some mindless corporation for a few thousand dollars, she’s dumber than Kourtney! Wait, I’m Kourtney. Dumber than Khloe!”
When someone informed Kourtney that the deal could well earn her sister over a million dollars, she paused, glancing down at the Gucci stroller at her side carrying her children- three year-old Mason Dash Disicks and infant Penelope Scotland Disick- before finally responding, “A million? Really?”
Asked for comment on the sale of his future child for cash, Grammy-winning recording artist and father-to-be Kanye West shrugged his shoulders. “We’ll make another one,” he said. “I like making them. Hell, you’ve seen the videos.”
When the gender-neutral Us Weekly Kardashian-West comes off the assembly line sometime in July, it will immediately become the most valuable tabloid-owned infant in history, besting previous record-holder Suri Cruise who was sold to The Star in 2006 for $700,000.
The reported sale of The Bat Boy to The Weekly World News for $2 million dollars in 2003 has never been verified.