KANSAS CITY, Mo. – In an effort to separate itself from this month’s shooting at a Jewish Community Center by former member Frazier Glenn Miller, the Ku Klux Klan today introduced their new mascot- Whitey, the Happy Hood.
“This is not your father’s KKK,” explained Imperial Wizard Frank Ancona, leader of the Traditional American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. “I believe in racial separation, but it doesn’t have to be violent. People in the Klan are professional people, business people, working types. We are a legitimate organization.
“Whitey represents a kinder, gentler Klan that we hope will connect with a younger demographic,” he added.
The lovable new mascot will be featured in a series of billboards along major highways saying various focus-group-tested phrases such as “Don’t be a Tool, Hating is Cool!” “No need to lynch, segregation’s a cinch!” and “Don’t hurt Blackie! He can’t help being inferior!”
Marketing experts applauded the Klan’s attempt to diversify its target demographic but did not feel there was a place for a non-violent Klan. “What would you be left with? Benign racism?” asked Jelani Cobb, Director of the Africana Studies Institute at the University of Connecticut.
Despite the critics, Ancona is determined to show America that his organization can efficiently promote white supremacy without loss of life, a goal he admits was hampered by Miller’s crime. “What this guy just did set back everything I’ve been trying to do for years,” he said while insisting that today’s KKK is “about educating people to our ideas and getting people to see our point of view to … help change things.”
He pointed to his group’s Web page, Twitter account, and LinkedIn profile as the new tools of intolerance, though he admitted not all avenues of social media have remained open to his cause. “Facebook keeps deleting my posts,” he admitted.
All that should change, according to Ancona, once Whitey’s full marketing campaign is up and running. “After the billboards there will be banner ads, T-shirts, bumper stickers. The sky’s the limit,” he said. “We’ve even worked up a fun cartoon series around the guy. It’s a hoot! I’ve got a call in to Cartoon Network. I think they’ll flip for it.”