WICHITA, Kans. — In a stunning revelation today, CEO of Koch Industries and conservative philanthropist, Charles Koch, admitted that he and his brother invented the practice of hydraulic fracturing (commonly known as fracking) for the sole purpose of making people forget about global warming.
â[Exxon Mobil CEO] Rex [Tillerson] and [Royal Dutch Shell CEO] Pete [Voser] called me up and said âyou know Charles, this whole global warming thing is bad for business,ââ said Koch. âSo, I suggested we do something so ecologically absurd that people would forget about carbon footprints and vehicle emission standards. And viola, large-scale fracking was born.â
Hydraulic fracturing is the process of drilling deep into the earthâ1,000 feet or moreâand finding hidden pockets of oil and natural gas by demolishing the ground with pressurized liquid. âWe figured that if environmentalist hate standard oil drilling, then they would go ape shit over our just blowing shit up,â said Charlesâs brother David Koch, Executive VP of Koch Industries. âWe figured that if environmentalists became obsessed with how we got our oil and gas, theyâd stop bothering us about how much we used.â
Charles then cackled for a moment, before adding, âIf you do something horribly irresponsible, suddenly nobody cares about SUVs. The left has an attention span of about 10 minutes,â he said.
The brothers confided to reporters that fracking was actually their fallback option. âOriginally, we told the oil companies to figure out a way to make cars run on puppies,â said David. âBut they didnât have the balls.â
âWe were actually surprised when such large-scale fracking was allowed,â said Charles, while throwing darts at pictures of environmentalists. âWe figured we would just put up a fight to cause a diversion. We never imagined anyone would be stupid enough to let us do it.â