Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”

LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of all ages to explore their inner Kim, Khloe or Kourtney through dolls, doll accessories and fashion.

The Kardashians have built an empire with their reality show and its spinoffs, their own clothing lines and fragrances, and noted marriages and pregnancies. Kris Jenner has headed up the development of their businesses and ventures, capitalizing on the “famous for being famous” phenomenon. “Now everyone can build a Kardashian, just like I did,” said Jenner.

To bring the dolls to life, skilled child laborers in China have created intricately detailed versions of the entire Kardashian family, right down to the eyelash extensions and nose jobs. “Kim, Khloe and Kourtney will be 18-inch dolls; Kendall and Kylie (Jenner) will be 12-inch dolls, and Bruce (Jenner) and Rob (Kardashian) will be bobble-heads.” I will be on a key fob,” Jenner explained, “so you can carry me with you always for inspiration and guidance.”

The first “American Kardashian Place” store is planned to open at the Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN, right before Christmas. The mall’s combination of mid-scale retail, Applebee’s and the mall’s own theme park, are a perfect fit for the brand. A representative from Triple Five, the Canadian company that runs the Mall of America stated, “We sort of knew who they were. Some of the guys had seen the sex tape, which was kind-of hot…but then we saw the amount of money they were offering for the space and decided it was a valid option.”  He added, “They told us that customers would come from all over the country to shop at a Kardashian store and we were like, ‘Really?!!?  Ok.’  So, we’re proud, I guess, to have them as a tenant.”

The 13,000-square-foot store will present eager shoppers not only with Kardashian dolls, but also clothing and accessories including wigs, shoes and pregnancy bellies.   “Eventually, we will add our version of the Barbie Dream House,” said Jenner, “but on a larger scale. For example, we will re-create the girls’ apartments in LA, Miami and New York, and offer furniture and home décor. After all, you don’t want your Kardashian to live in a shithole”.  She also plans to eventually add Kanye West and Lamar Odom figurines, but no Scott Disick, because he’s a dick and “probably won’t be around much longer, anyways.”

The store also will offer a 100-seat bistro/rave club, birthing, and x-raying Kim’s butt to check for implants. There will also be a salon where customers can get a spray tan, hair extensions, liposuction, psychic readings…and butt implants.