Kucinich Settling in at Fox


NEW YORK — Liberal icon Dennis Kucinich shocked his supporters when he accepted a position at the conservative Fox News network. Many thought the former congressman would be out of place, but Kucinich reports that he is settling in nicely, and even making a few new friends.

Kucinich, a presidential candidate in 2004 and 2008, recently ended a 16-year run in Congress after losing his bid for re-election. He made his debut as a Fox contributor on “The O’Reilly Factor,” where he said his new co-workers welcomed him with a series of practical jokes.

“It’s just like my fraternity days at Cleveland State, what with the hazing rituals and the pranks. Why, the very first time I was on the air, those rascals raised the legs on my anchor desk so high I could barely see over the top.”

Said Segment Producer Eric Carmichael, “That wasn’t a prank. It was just a normal-sized desk.”

“Even Palin got in on the action before leaving,” said Kucinich, referring to the former candidate for vice president, whose contract with the news outfit was not renewed. “She pretended not to recognize me, and gave me a stack of boxes she was clearing out from her office to carry down to the parking garage. I played along though. Happy to help out!”

Said Palin: “That was Kucinich? I just assumed it was one of those disgusting House Elves from those satanic Harry Potter movies.”

 Palin added, “You betcha!”

However, Kucinich did think that one of his peers was talking the hijinx too far. “Sean Hannity is maybe going a little overboard. Every time I see him in the hallway or the employee cafeteria, he goes running out of the room screaming, waving his hands over his head. It’s just a little too silly.”

“Haven’t been in the same room with a liberal since Colmes,” Mr. Hannity said, referring to his former co-host Alan Colmes, who disappeared from the airwaves in 2009 and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. “Liberals carry all kind of diseases, including the gay germ, and there’s no way I’m about to put myself or my family in that kind of danger. It’s a fact.”

Fox News chief Roger Ailes also disagreed with congressman Kucinich’s assessment, stating, “The only tricks we play at Fox News are on the viewing public. However, the congressman is in for a couple of big surprises if he thinks he will be treated with any dignity or respect. Basically, he’s just here to fill the role of token liberal whack job, and so far, he’s doing just great.”